October-December
She is the ONE! Every fiber of my being confirmed it! I wanted to scream it from the rooftops! Well, at least from the balcony of the church in Mogyorod, Hungary. I was there attending the 1999 World Youth Convention, and while I had not gone with the intention of finding a wife, I met a young lady I was sure would be the one for me. Anita had come to the convention with her brother, and her parents were also attending the weekend conference. I was the choir director for the international youth choir being assembled at the conference, and I found myself being distracted. I had to find out who she was. I wanted to speak with her, but there was so much going on. There were a few moments here and there, but not enough. At the end of the youth convention, we had an outing along the Danube River and that was our first chance to really spend some time together. For me those moments, brief as they were, confirmed that this was a very special girl.
At a first meeting, you may be sure. At a first meeting, you may feel that everything had led you to this very moment, to this very spot, to find this very special person. And all of this may be later confirmed to be true, and yet wisdom tells you that you should not rush along without thought.
In matters of the heart, our mind seems to disconnect from reality, usually at the very moment when we need to think the clearest. We are making choices that will commit us for a lifetime, to connect our happiness, our deepest desires, our aspirations, and our whole being with that other person. And while at that very moment we may be sure that everything will be amazing, the experience of many around us shows that we should think before jumping into a relationship commitment. It may seem right to me, but am I thinking clearly? “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise” (Proverbs 12:15).
Flying back to the United States I kept thinking about what to do next. Was this something I should seriously pursue? When you are single and you come back from a long trip, you call your mom. So, there I was talking with my mom on the phone, just wanting to tell her I arrived safely, but she wanted to know more. The conversation went something like this:
Mom asked, “Did you find someone nice?”
I replied, “I just wanted to say I got home safely.”
She asked, “Answer my question. Who is it?”
“I didn’t say I actually had found someone,” I responded.
“Tell me who,” Mom asked.
“Well I’m not sure, but you wouldn’t know her anyway,”
was my response.
Mom said, “I know everyone. Who is it?”
Finally, I replied, “Well her name is Anita Filipovic . . .”
Before I could finish the sentence, Mom said,
“I know who she is. I know her family. I approve.”
...
I was silent! What are you supposed to say after your mom says that???
Turns out that I had met Anita before—back when I was 3 years old. My family was traveling in Europe and my parents, who had known her parents from the “old country,” stopped to visit them in Munich. Twenty years later, we met once more.
At that moment it seemed that everything was right. You get caught up in things of romance, but there is a difference between blind romance and true romance. You need to remember that every experience is unique. Your own experience will not be like mine or anyone else’s. In these articles, you are reading experiences of others, and they can be an encouragement for you, but ultimately your experience will be your own. The relationship you will form will be special, and God intends it to be unique, and your own. At the same time, there are principles that are true for all relationships that have the blessing of the Lord. While it doesn’t sound very romantic, the moment after that conversation with my mom, and a confirmation that I should go ahead, was not the moment to rush ahead. It was the moment to put myself on hold.
“Seek counsel of God in all these things, be so calm, so submissive to the will of God that you will not be in a fever of excitement and unqualified for His service by your attachments.”—Letters to Young Lovers, p. 37.
“Many who profess to love and fear God choose to follow the bent of their own minds rather than take counsel of Infinite Wisdom. In a matter which vitally concerns the happiness and well-being of both parties for this world and the next, reason, judgment, and the fear of God are set aside, and blind impulse, stubborn determination, is allowed to control.”—The Adventist Home, p. 61.
I started to pray more than usual. I sought Divine counsel by reading Scripture and the Spirit of Prophecy more than before. My first and greatest counselor became the word of God, connected with the words of inspiration.
The more I read, the more I realized that Scripture tells us to seek God-fearing guidance from those in our orbit of influence. When the principles found in the Word are in harmony with the experience you are having, then the next counselor given to us are our parents. I was blessed to be born in the message of Present Truth, and my parents raised my brother and me to turn to God’s Word for instruction. Now that Word was telling me to turn to them for instruction at this pivotal point in my life.
“If children would be more familiar with their parents, if they would confide in them, and unburden to them their joys and sorrows, they would save themselves many a future heartache. When perplexed to know what course is right, let them lay the matter just as they view it before their parents, and ask advice of them. Who are so well calculated to point out their dangers as godly parents? Who can understand their peculiar temperaments so well as they?”—Ibid., p. 73.
While inspiration tells everyone to get counsel from their parents when considering marriage, I had the added privilege of faithful parents. “If you are blessed with God-fearing parents, seek counsel of them. . . . Children who are Christians will esteem above every earthly blessing the love and approbation of their God-fearing parents.”—Ibid.
When I spoke with my parents, their counsel was not a critique of the young lady I was interested in, but rather of me. They spoke to me about my own preparation. This was a bit of a surprise to me, as I thought they would tell me if she was suited for me or not. Instead, they started by asking if I was good enough for her. We spoke much about what it would mean to be a husband, and only when they were satisfied that I understood what this truly meant, did they counsel me about her.
If I would proceed with this relationship, it was important for me to get counsel not only from my parents but also from hers. The instruction of inspiration for her was clear: “You have no right to place your affections on any young man without your father’s and your mother’s full sanction.”—Mind, Character, and Personality, p. 302. Asking for their counsel was important. “A young man who enjoys the society and wins the friendship of a young lady unbeknown to her parents does not act a noble Christian part toward her or toward her parents.”—The Adventist Home, p. 57.
I needed to get her father’s permission if I would actually seek a relationship with Anita. That is not something people do very often in our time. They usually develop a relationship and only ask permission when they are going to get married. But I kept remembering all those youth conventions and hearing brother Peter Lausevic say, “You have to get her parent’s permission for courtship.” I had never taken that seriously until now.
It had been a little over a month since the youth convention and, by circumstance, we were both going to attend the same wedding. This was a perfect opportunity for me to speak to Anita’s father and ask his permission to begin a courtship. Her father, Milorad, is actually a very loving and caring man, but at that moment he just seemed like a giant in my mind. I kept having this vision of me asking him for permission to court his daughter and him not saying anything, just crushing me under his foot. Every time I thought about it, he grew another meter taller. “Maybe I shouldn’t do it,” I thought. “No one asks at this point in their relationship. Can’t I just skip this?”
I felt that the Lord was giving me a chance to follow His instructions and I would not miss the opportunity. It was not a coincidence that we were meeting again in person. I swallowed my fear and went to speak with Anita’s father. It all seemed a blur to me now. I know I probably blabbered too much and made a fool of myself, but I am so glad that I did. His blessing at that moment was something that I will treasure forever.
Never neglect to get counsel from the parents of the person with whom you are entering into a relationship. They want the best for their child and can be wise counselors not only at this stage in your relationship but throughout your life.
If the person you are with does not want you to get counsel from their parents, you should seriously consider that they are not ready for a serious relationship. “Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise)” (Ephesians 6:2). If they are willing to enter into such a serious relationship without the counsel of their parents, then they will carry such a character into the marriage, and it will certainly end in heartache.
It is a complicated world, it may be that you do not have God-fearing parents to counsel with, or they live a great distance from you. Technology solves part of this problem. If you moved away from home for school or work, keep in touch with your parents and make sure that you are seeking their advice on the development of your new relationship.
If your parents, or those of the person you are courting, are not God-fearing, you are still under obligation to go to them. But as they may not be able to give you full counsel based on God’s word, the Lord will provide for you older persons of experience that you may consult with. Our God is a “father of the fatherless” (Psalm 68:5) and He will provide for you older, godly, experienced persons who know you and the person you think maybe your future marriage partner.
When the principles of God and the counsel of parents has been received, there is still one more place to receive counsel, and that is from your pastor and his or her pastor. Your walk with God will be a reflection of your ability to establish a full relationship with your future spouse. A person who has not yet made a personal commitment with the Lord will make a poor choice for someone you wish to be committed to you and you only. (Matthew 19:6).
You should speak openly with your pastor about your spiritual fitness for marriage. “The majority of the marriages of our time and the way in which they are conducted make them one of the signs of the last days. Men and women are so persistent, so headstrong, that God is left out of the question. Religion is laid aside, as if it had no part to act in this solemn and important matter.”—Ibid., p. 71.
When you have spoken with your pastor and had an opportunity to assess your own spiritual condition and fitness for marriage, then speak with the pastor of the other person. This is not to receive a spiritual report card of the person. No man can judge the character of another. Only God can read the heart and know the true motives of a person. But their pastor can tell you of their spiritual involvement in the church and their interaction with other members of the congregation. This will give you an idea of how your beloved treats others, and thus how he/she will treat you once the initial courtship period has concluded.
While living in Virginia at the time, I was privileged to have good Christian pastors near me who gave me counsel. I thank them for their counsel, and that they helped me to see more clearly that I would soon be asking Anita the “question.”
As the relationship progresses and becomes more serious, it is time to ask for formal premarital counseling, usually with the pastor who will perform your marriage. Now it is my privilege as a pastor, to give these studies and help young couples prepare for marriage.
There are two counselors we turn to which are not reliable in matters of the heart. The first is yourself, or more directly your own emotions. “The youth trust altogether too much to impulse. They should not give themselves away too easily, nor be captivated too readily by the winning exterior of the lover. Courtship, as carried on in this age, is a scheme of deception and hypocrisy, with which the enemy of souls has far more to do than the Lord. Good common sense is needed here if anywhere; but the fact is, it has little to do in the matter.”—Ibid., p. 55.
The second counselor who should not be your counselor are friends of your own age. With little or no experience in the matter of courtship and marriage, even your best friends do not make good counselors. They can be your best friends, but in this matter real-world experience, combined with a spiritual example, is key. Young people counseling young people on issues of marriage is truly the blind leading the blind.
With a knowledge of the word of God as my foundation, the counsel of my parents, and the advice of ministers, I knew that the blessing of the Lord was with me. In December of that year, I asked Anita to marry me. In just a few years I will have more years of life with her than without her. I thank the Lord with all my being for bringing her into my life!