Yes, courtship is a very serious matter, and we need to regard it as such! To have fun with a person, to play with his/her sentiments means to trifle (flirt). Inspiration says, “To trifle with hearts is a crime of no small magnitude in the sight of a holy God. And yet some will show preference for young ladies and call out their affections, and then go their way and forget all about the words they have spoken and their effect. A new face attracts them, and they repeat the same words.”—The Adventist Home, p. 57.

Imagine that after some fun of this type, the person finds one whom he/she would really like to marry. Will that new person trust him/her? Will not the previous flirting undermine the trust and the formation of a new relationship? This is the price one has to pay for playing around.

It would be far better, before you show any intention to the person you are interested in, to pray! Ask the Lord to clarify the matter to you! Pray for His guidance. Observe the person you’re interested in. Study his/her character. If the Lord encourages you on that path, then prudently take the next steps. Respect, and expect to be respected! It will be easier for both to understand the will of God with such an approach.

“Let every step toward a marriage alliance be characterized by modesty, simplicity, sincerity, and an earnest purpose to please and honor God.”—Ibid., p. 49. If everything runs smooth and you get your confirmations from the Lord, you are in line for a happy courtship! Even in case you later find out that you are not fit for each other, you would have a good memory of your relationship, and be friendly as members of the church.

It depends whom you ask! If you ask your college buddies, everything is acceptable. If you ask your dear Saviour, His answer may surprise you. Before we discuss what is acceptable contact, we have to understand the reasons. Physical contact with a beloved person is a means of communication which is higher than verbal communication. That means that you are communicating more deeply by that contact than by talking. This is unproductive! Courtship and engagement are times for getting to know each other, so that in the married life there are the least unpleasant surprises.

Open up! Speak about your expectations, about your dreams, about your fears, your likes and dislikes! Listen to your beloved telling you about himself/herself. Then, prayerfully evaluate your compatibility for each other. This is not the time to “feel” good in a physical kind of way. If you do, then you are just wasting your time. You start an emotional storm which rises higher and higher, and you almost stop the getting-to-know-each-other process. Then from touching you will pass to holding hands, and then holding shoulders, and then hugging, and then kissing, and then . . .! Such a course is an offense to your Lord, and “would make angels blush.” (See Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, Adultery, and Divorce, pp. 117–119 for context.) All these blessings of physical contact have been created as a wonderful gift for marriage. They are part of the process, of the act of becoming “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24)! Wait then for this type of intimacy after the wedding! You will have an entire life to enjoy it!

“They [women] should be more reserved, manifest less boldness, and encourage in themselves ‘shamefacedness and sobriety.’”—The Adventist Home, p. 332. The Greek word aidos used by Paul as shamefacedness means a sense of shame or honor, modesty, bashfulness, reverence, respect. Christian men will treat such a girl with an attitude of respect. True love includes high respect. Young men, a girl is not a toy, she is a daughter of the infinite God, a temple of His Spirit! Please respect her accordingly! If you cannot, don’t pretend you love her! Sisters, “shun those who are irreverent”—Ibid., p. 47.

So, in summary, what is “acceptable” physical contact? Everything you would do in the presence of your/his/her parents! You are in the presence of the eternal Father, every moment (Psalm 139:1–12)! He delights to see true love growing among you! Make sure that you respect Him, His presence, and His child—your beloved! Then, you will be perfectly safe!

For sure this is a problem, and not a small one! I remember the story of a young sister from our church who started a relationship with a very nice, well educated, unbelieving colleague. He liked her and became interested in our church. He started to attend our meetings, made friends with our youth and became active in our church. After he was baptized, the two of them were planning their marriage. Everyone believed his conversion was genuine.

On the wedding day, the bride’s father entrusted his daughter into the young man’s hand, and as the couple was turning toward the altar, the groom smiled and whispered into her ear, “Darling, enjoy today, because this will be the last day you’ll step into this church!” The young lady was confused, terrified and started crying. When the pastor finished the sermon, he asked her, “Will you take this man to be your wedded husband?” she said, “I’m sorry, but I cannot marry this man.” The bride then turned to her guests and explained what the groom had whispered to her. She concluded by saying, “Thank you for your love and support . . . but the wedding is cancelled!” The groom ran out of the church and never came back!

That day, the young man revealed that all his good works—his church attendance, his baptism, his professed love for God—were all pretense. Everything he did was only a sophisticated strategy to get a good Christian girl to become his wife! The young woman stood bravely for her Lord and dismissed this wretched young man.

Praise God for giving this young lady the wisdom and courage to choose God above the groom. Because her love for God was supreme, she was saved from a miserable marriage and a wretched husband-to-be!

If you see a young person, not of our faith, attending church, you assume that he/she is seeking God and the truth! Therefore, you think that he/she could be a potential companion for you. But if that guy/girl only likes you, and has no keen interest to know God first, this very fact makes him/her incompatible for you as a true Christian. “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?” (2 Corinthians 6:14, 15).

How can you know the true motive of a person who visits your church? Examine his/her “fruits.” (See Matthew 7:16-20.) Does he/she seek a knowledge of God and His will? Is he/she willing to comply with it? Is he/she happy to make changes in their habits and lifestyle? What is the prayer-life of this person like? Does he/she regard the requirements of God as a privilege or burden?

But even after making the above examination, as we read in the incident above, you may not know for sure his/her sincerity! Then, the real key is prayer! God knows beyond all appearances. He knows the heart of that person. He knows the future! Pray! Ask Him! And He will reveal to you the reality.