We have a relative who was charming and good looking, and he knew it. He relished the attention of numerous girls. It was hard to keep up with who was his latest gal. The poor girls were bitterly disappointed because they didn’t understand what true love is.

Many young people choose a spouse based on looks and attraction. It feels good to be with that person, but they don’t think about the important questions they should be asking so they can determine if that relationship will work long-term.

The important question is how do you define love? Is love a warm, fuzzy feeling that you have for a person of the opposite sex? Let’s see how Inspiration defines true love:

“Love is a precious gift, which we receive from Jesus. Pure and holy affection is not a feeling, but a principle.”—The Ministry of Healing, p. 358.

“True love is a high and holy principle, altogether different in character from that love which is awakened by impulse, and which suddenly dies when severely tested.”—Adventist Home, p. 50.

“Love is a sentiment so sacred that but few know what it is. It is a term used but not understood. The warm glow of impulse, the fascination of one young person for another, is not love; it does not deserve the name. True love has an intellectual basis, a deep, thorough knowledge of the object loved.”—Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, Adultery and Divorce, pp. 21, 22.

Notice that true love is: a) a principle not a feeling; b) it is a gift from God; c) it has an intellectual foundation, meaning you will be rational and logical when you love the person you are considering to marry. You will have a thorough knowledge of their character and love them for who they are not so much for how they look.

The second question to consider would be, what are your ideas about marriage and your expectations for marriage? Do you just want a mate to be with romantically, or do you understand the entire marriage relationship and the family unit that you will become? Have you thought about how real life will be, day after day, learning to work and live together and love the other person, even though you are two very different people?

How do you find the one? There are two approaches young people take to find a mate. One is to look at everyone as a potential girlfriend or boyfriend until you are in a relationship. For some youth this starts early, before they even know how to drive a car. The opposite extreme is when a young person refuses to talk to anyone unless they are “the potential one.” They’re so idealistic that they don’t allow themselves to just be friendly with everyone.

The right balance is that you know your own mission in life, and that you are pursuing it. You form appropriate friendships with everyone and seek to be a blessing to them. When you meet someone, you take time to get to know them genuinely without the awkwardness of looking at them as a potential spouse.

One day, you may meet someone new at church. Take the time to be friendly with them and become acquainted. In the course of making friends with everyone in your circle, you will most likely feel drawn to one of those people. Because you are casual friends already, you will more likely know how compatible you are. One day Janet realized that Gavin, a friend she hadn’t even considered, was actually all she had ever wanted. A friendship that started casually grew and blossomed into a romance once they got to know each other.

Don’t be all focused on finding someone to date. It is better to get on with life, and focus on your life goals. Along the way, you will meet someone who is walking the same path as you. Together, you will reach your goals.

Ideally, before you begin a courtship, become acquainted with his/her family. You will learn a lot about your prospective lover by observing his/her family. Abraham understood the importance of a godly family. He sent his trusted servant, under oath, to select a wife from a specific family for his son Isaac. (Genesis 24:1–4, 9.)

Why is it important to know the family your boyfriend/girlfriend is coming from? Unless the person you’re dating is truly converted, they will be like their family in habits and character. If you come from a godly family, determine by God’s grace to continue the godly line with your choice of a faithful partner.

Before beginning courtship, the young man should ask the girl’s father for full permission. If a young man begins courting a girl without parental approval, he will be guilty of “stealing her affections.” (See Adventist Home, p. 58.)

Let’s discover how to develop a healthy courtship without stifling or smothering one another. As God leads you, begin your courtship thoughtfully and prayerfully on your knees. Allow your relationship to develop slowly and naturally. Relationships that begin in a frenzy are hot for a while but then fizzle out. If you want your relationship to last, take it one step at a time. The strongest relationships are those that begin as friendships. Always treat each other with love and respect at every step of the journey.

Your potential spouse should be a fully committed Christian who is of your church denomination. We can’t find anywhere in the Bible the idea of “evangelistic dating,” where you date a girl or guy who is an unbeliever while you’re trying to convert them to your faith. Make a sacred vow not to date or marry a person who is not an active Christian of your faith, who prays and has daily devotions, and is actively involved in his/her church.

Think you’ve found the one? Just wait a little. Give yourself adequate time to observe the character of the one you wish to date. Ask your mother and father, who know you and love you to “make critical observations of the one you feel inclined to favor [like]. Trust not to your own judgment and marry no one whom you feel will not be an honor to your father and mother, one who has intelligence and moral worth.”—Letters to Young Lovers, pp. 36, 37.

“Weigh every sentiment [attitude, thought, feeling], and watch every development of character in the one with whom you think to link your life destiny. The step you are about to take is one of the most important in your life, and should not be taken hastily. While you may love, do not love blindly.”—Adventist Home, p. 45.

“Be cautious every step that you advance; you need Jesus at every step. Your life is too precious a thing to be treated as of little worth. Calvary testifies to you of the value of your soul. . . . Be sure that you do not follow the imagination of your own heart, but move in the fear of God.”—Letters to Young Lovers, p. 26.

If you have someone in mind already, here are some questions you can ask yourself. It would even be good to write or type out your answers.

Is he/she old enough to begin courtship?

If both of you are still teenagers, it’s a good idea to slow down and ask for some advice and counsel. Your teenage brain is still developing and that can cause you to make some unwise decisions.

“A youth not out of his teens is a poor judge of the fitness of a person as young as himself to be his companion for life.”—Messages to Young People, p. 452.

Does he/she love Jesus more than anything else?

Both of you should love and serve God, and have made a commitment to Him by baptism. You should both have the same faith. If the other person does not share your beliefs and has not been baptized, he/she is an unbeliever and the Bible forbids this relationship. (See 2 Corinthians 6:14.)

Are you compatible?

Take time to get to know each other and prayerfully consider whether you are suitable for each other. Do you have common values and interests? In my courtship, our interests were health, true education, country living, finances, serving others and working for their salvation. Our separate dreams for the future combined perfectly into one common vision.

What strengths and weaknesses do you see in his/her family? Watch how he treats his mother and sisters, or how she relates to her father and brothers.

“Has my lover a mother? What is the stamp of her character? Does he recognize his obligations to her? Is he mindful of her wishes and happiness? If he does not respect and honor his mother, will he manifest respect and love, kindness and attention, toward his wife? When the novelty of marriage is over, will he love me still? Will he be patient with my mistakes, or will he be critical, overbearing, and dictatorial?”—Messages to Young People, p. 450.

Are his/her parents supportive?

Ideally, both sets of parents should be involved. Others you trust in your family and church can help give you good advice and guide you.

Are you respecting each other and setting appropriate boundaries?

My wife and I chose to have certain boundaries with each other during courtship and engagement. We waited until our wedding day for our first kiss. Having a commitment to boundaries makes you able to think clearly at each step of the way, and tests the strength and unselfishness of your love for each other.

For a young woman, thinking about marriage is very exciting. Early in life girls start dreaming of their beautiful wedding day. It’s true that all weddings seem to be happy, but it’s what happens after that really makes true happiness. Here are some questions a young lady should think about when considering a young man to be her future husband.

Has he finished college or been trained in a trade?

What kind of work does he do? What is his work ethic? Could he be a lazy husband?

He might be handsome young man and work out at the gym, but does he put his heart into his work?

How does he treat people? Is he patient and kind? Does he lose his temper?

Does he treat you as an equal and respect your judgment?

Men who want to control and think for you will not make you happy during your marriage.

Does he view pornography?

Young men who have this problem need help, as it can create serious difficulties in marriage. Please do not even think of marrying if he practices such devastating, soul-destroying habits.

We notice young men get all excited about a girl who has a pretty face and a fun personality. But there are some other important things to think about. Often a young man will go for what is easy to get—a girl that is hanging around to get his attention and flirting with him. Dear young man, think carefully about what kind of girl you wish to be your wife.

Will the girl I marry bring happiness or unhappiness to my home? In which ways?

How does she treat her parents? How does she interact with children and the elderly? How does she treat those with disabilities? Is she kind? Does she notice the needs of others?

Will she love my parents? [The Adventist Home, p. 46.]

Is she hardworking and industrious? Does she know how to prepare tasty, nutritious meals and to keep a tidy house? Does she have the skills to meet the difficult situations that may arise?

These skills will have a huge effect on the happiness of the home.

Is she patient and meticulous?

Does she manage money wisely or is she extravagant? Does she use all her earnings to beautify her appearance and gratify her vanity?

When we got engaged, one brother said to us, “It is not how much money you make, but how much she saves.”

Recently, we heard the story of a couple who were seen at a nursing home. Approaching the sunset of life, the wife was slowly fading into the fog of dementia. He was spending his days visiting her and attending to her needs.

This day he came in cheerfully, sat beside her and whispered sweet endearments while gently stroking her hand. Leading her to the window, he showed her the beautiful view and reminded her of how much he loved her. You could see that these two shared a very special relationship, and a love that could not be dimmed by age or disease. This is the kind of love that God creates.

Above anything else, you can trust God to guide you in such an important decision as marriage, if you will give Him all your heart and be willing to follow His plan for you.

“Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass” (Psalm 37:3–5).