Love is not blind to principle, or duty, or responsibility. Love is not a surrender of one’s personality and individuality to be dominated by another. Before entering into a true love relationship, one must disentangle the confusion caused by those who try to identify true love with infatuation. Here are a few points to be considered:

Simple infatuation is often called a “crush” or “puppy love.”

Romantic infatuation is often called “romantic love.”

Biological interest is a deep biological drive that seeks some erotic expression.

Real love exists when your strong tender feelings for the other person are balanced by reason and deep respect.

Romantic infatuation is very dangerous because young people easily fool themselves by acting out their intense feelings and biological urges. Romantic feeling is false or counterfeit “love.” If you are infatuated, your emotions will be in charge. In real love, your reason rules your emotions. However, people easily confuse real love with romantic infatuation, because both have one thing in common—strong feelings of attachment to the other person.

Infatuation can be diagnosed by the following symptoms:

Is love blind?

No, but infatuation is. Infatuation, like other extreme emotions, such as anger, hate, and fear, distorts thinking. “Those who are actuated by true love are neither unreasonable nor blind. . . . Love . . . is not unreasonable; it is not

1. In infatuation your main interest is likely to be in the other person’s physical aspects. The main stress is on things you can perceive right away—what you see, hear, smell, taste or touch. A marriage based only on such an attraction will not last long.

2. The factors that attract you are relatively few. Just the smile! Just the handsome look or pretty face! Just the lovely hair! Just the funny talk or jokes!

3. It tends to start fast. But in reality, there is no such thing as “love at first sight.” That kind of “love” stops the same way it starts—fast.

4. A couple’s interest in each other fluctuates a lot. One day you feel sure this is the right person for marriage. Then you develop doubts and wonder if you should date another young woman/or young man for a while, to test your feelings more.

5. This causes a disorganizing and destructive effect on your personality. Infatuation makes you less effective, less efficient, and it degrades your real self. Infatuation is irresponsible and fails to consider the future consequences of today’s actions.

6. You live in a “two-person world”—yourself and the one you think you love. You tend to neglect your family and pay little or no attention to your friends. You turn a deaf ear to your friends, parents, teachers, or your boss. You fail to do your homework. “Romantic love” is of such central concern to yourself that you allow nothing to stand in its way. “Two persons become acquainted; they are infatuated with each other, and their whole attention is absorbed. Reason is blinded, and judgment is overthrown. They will not submit to any advice or control, but insist on having their own way, regardless of consequences. Like some epidemic, or contagion, that must run its course is the infatuation that possesses them; and there seems to be no such thing as putting a stop to it.” —The Adventist Home, p. 71.

7. Infatuation blinds your eyes to the defects of the other person. You tend to idolize your partner. No one can tell you anything wrong about the object of your affections. At best, you won’t believe the warnings of those who try to help you. If you are infatuated, you will defend him or her against all negative remarks. You will not admit that he or she has any faults.

8. You two may have big problems and obstacles to cope with—different religions, hopes, values, family, and cultural backgrounds. Danger signals by the dozens! Yet you are not concerned. You don’t feel the need to think about these enormous hazards before marriage. You think that somehow everything will come out all right.

In contrast to infatuation, real love can be identified as follows:

1. Your interest is in his or her total personality.

2. Many qualities of the other person attract you. You like not only the way he or she looks and talks, but also the way he or she thinks and feels about things and other people.

3. It starts slowly. Studies have shown that the longer the period of courtship and engagement, the better the chances for success in a marriage. In some places the courtship or engagement lasts for years, sometimes even 5 to 10 years. (While this length of time is neither ideal nor at all recommended, the reasoning behind it reflects an attitude and state of mind from which many of us today can learn.)

4. The relationship tends to even out existing differences, and interest in each other becomes consistent.

5. It has an organizing and constructive effect on your personality. It brings out the best in you.

6. It does not stop suddenly. It takes a long time to end such a relationship, and it takes a long time to get over it.

7. You admit the faults of the other person but love him or her in spite of the evident defects.

8. As it is with infatuation, so it is in real love: The one you love may well be the most important person to you. But there is a big difference. In true love, you don’t abandon or neglect your other relationships. Instead, you just add the new relationship to all the others you already have. It becomes a plus, not a replacement. You still maintain good ties with your family, your friends, and your teachers. You are not in a “two-person world.”

No, but infatuation is. Infatuation, like other extreme emotions, such as anger, hate, and fear, distorts thinking. “Those who are actuated by true love are neither unreasonable nor blind. . . . Love . . . is not unreasonable; it is not blind. It is pure and holy. But the passion of the natural heart is another thing altogether. While pure love will take God into all its plans, and will be in perfect harmony with the Spirit of God, passion will be headstrong, rash, unreasonable, defiant of all restraint, and will make the object of its choice an idol. . . . True love is not a strong, fiery, impetuous passion. On the contrary, it is calm and deep in its nature. It looks beyond mere externals, and is attracted by qualities alone. It is wise and discriminating, and its devotion is real and abiding” (Ibid., pp. 50, 51).

True love is a plant that needs cultivation. Therefore, before assuming any commitment, do your “homework” thoroughly and put some questions to yourself if you desire to have a happy union. This will help you to avoid future distress and grief. Before you yield your affections, ask: Does he or she have a mother? What is her character like? Does he or she recognize his or her obligations to her? Is he or she mindful of her wishes and happiness? Let’s be realistic: If he or she does not respect and honor his or her mother, will he or she manifest respect, kindness, attention, and love toward you? When the novelty of marriage is over, will he or she love you still? Will he or she be patient with your mistakes, or will he or she be critical, overbearing, and dictatorial? True affection will overlook many mistakes.

Many unhappy marriages, which end in divorce, have their roots in infatuation and biological interest only—sometimes known as “great chemistry.” Most youth are not sure what real love is. Age and maturity lend no immunity against infatuation, which can affect anyone. Our youth should be educated away from this folly, which is called infatuation, and from another danger, namely, one-sided love, which doesn’t work.